1. Janelle Monáe kicked the show off with singing, dancing and truth-telling.
Monáe started the show with a few bars of the "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" theme song, in a nod to the Tom Hanks film, but was then joined by dancing Jokers, Nazis, "Midsommar" maidens and Billy Porter. We're still not sure what it had to do with anything, but at least it was high-energy. She also got Leonardo to sing, and she gave a shout-out to the female directors who were shut out of the nomination process in the major categories.
2. Petition to have Steve Martin and Chris Rock host next year.
Once again, the Oscars chose to go hostless, but Martin and Rock came out for a quick little stand-up. They riffed well off of each other and had a good rhythm while they unleashed zingers about the lack of nominees of color, lack of women directors and Jeff Bezos' immense wealth. Why doesn't the academy just...hire them?
3. Why did they have people to introduce people introducing things?
Beanie Feldstein ("Booksmart") came out just to introduce Mindy Kaling, who was presenting the animation awards, and "Star Wars" favorite Kelly Marie Tran introduced presenters Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves, which was a weird way to wedge people into the ceremony. But then Chrissy Metz, who could have used a little introduction, just started singing with no intro. Confusing!
4. Brad Pitt and Regina King were smooching coming and going.
Pitt got a big smooch fron King, who presented him his Best Supporting Actor award for "Once Upon a Time in...Hollywood." Then, backstage, they kissed again. They're kind of cute together, are both single and Jen was nowhere in sight, so how you doin'?
5. Did we need "Into the Unknown" in several languages?
Instead of letting Idina Menzel duet with Aurora (more on her below) on "Into the Unknown" from "Frozen II," or, better yet, letting Brendon Urie sing the pop version, they had a bunch of women from around the world take a verse in their language. It was cool, but reminded us a lot of "Let It Go" in 25 languages that rounded the internet a few years ago.
6. Keanu flustered Diane Keaton.
Keaton seemed uncharacteristically flustered while presenting with Keanu Reeves, almost dropping the envelope. Wouldn't you be?
7. Maya and Kristen should alternatively host.
The big gal duo at award shows is always Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, whom we love, but Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig came out and did a bit, and it brought us back to how good they were in "Bridesmaids." When they sang a medley of sartorial-themed songs for the Costume Design category, we were hooked.
8. Has Billie Eilish seen "Bridesmaids," though?
Eilish was visibly confused/annoyed during Rudolph and Wiig's song, but being 18, we're wondering if she knows who these two women are. OK, Zoomer!
9. Laura Dern told her parents they were her heroes.
In one of the more heartfelt acceptance speeches of the night, Laura Dern, who was named Best Supporting Actress for "Marriage Story," thanked famous parents Diane Ladd (who was her date) and Bruce Dern. "Some say, 'Never meet your heroes,'" said Dern. "I say if you’re really blessed, you get them as your parents." Awww.
10. Eminem had the whole audience bopping and singing.
Lin-Manuel Miranda introduced a little package about movie songs, which was cute and had some good clips, but it reminded us how much we loved Eminem's "Lose Yourself," which won an Oscar 18 years prior. Em was a no-show that year, assuming he would never win (during the ceremony, he was napping while his daughter watched cartoons), but justice was realized when he was able to perform the tune this year. The audience went nuts, with everyone from Denzel Washington to Brie Larson singing along to every word.
11. And now for a little rap by Utkarsh Ambudkar.
Midway through the ceremony, "Britney Runs a Marathon" star and "Pitch Perfect" cutie Utkarsh Ambudkar came out and did a little recap rap. It was cute, but we would have loved a brief intro for him, because we spent most of his performance saying, "Who?"
12. Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were hilariously confused.
The duo, who are also starring in "Downhill," have a comedy style that works very well together. Presenting for Best Cinematography, they explained the role of the cinematographer is to cook and transport actors around in golf carts. Though they both seemed to have concussions, the pair was just doing the very dry comedy they do best.
13. Tom Hanks wants you to quit wasting time.
In his perpetual fatherly mode, Hanks, who was introducing the Academy's new museum, made a crack about selfie museums and how lame he thinks they are. Yes, Dad.
14. Cynthia Erivo gave good eye contact.
While singing "Stand Up" from "Harriet," Cynthia Erivo sounded on point, but the eye contact she gave each and every one of us was some powerful energy.
15. Did we really need a "Cats" reminder?
"Cats" was mercifully shut out of the Oscars, but they had to trot out James Corden and Rebel Wilson dressed as felines to remind us that bad special effects are better than no special effects. Weird flex, but OK.
16. Are you in for this fight club?
Professional bad*sses Sigourney Weaver, Gal Gadot and Brie Larson suggested they were starting a fight club. “Men are all invited, just no shirts allowed,” said Gadot. Sounds like a plan!
17. We stan this captivating female conductor.
For the first time in Oscar history, a woman conducted the orchestra. Maestro Eímear Noone, who looked like a stunning C3P0, led a medley of the nominated best scores. She's our new favorite conductor.
18. Who is Aurora, anyway, and why does the camera love her?
The camera loved Norweigan pop star Aurora, who was shown in audience reaction shots all night. The singer, who also has a part in "Frozen 2," is like Bjork 2.0, and we doubt this is the last we'll hear from her!
19. We are now card-carrying members of the Bong Joon-ho Hive!
Not only is he enormously talented, having written and directed "Parasite," a phenomenal film, but Bong Joon-ho also really funny. When accepting the International Feature award, he exclaimed, "I'm ready to drink tonight!" assuming his reign was over. Not so fast, buddy! He returned for Best Director, sheepishly admitting it wasn't downtime yet. He then, with the help of translator Sharon
Choi (also a director), thanked his idols, including Scorsese and Tarantino, and said he would "drink until next morning." He certainly earned it.
20. A reminder that Kobe won an Oscar.
During Billie Eilish's solemn rendition of "Yesterday," the "In Memorium" reel was shown. We were reminded Kobe Bryant won an Oscar in 2018 for the animated short "Dear Basketball." The late Luke Perry was strangely snubbed from the reel, even after appearing in the Best Picture-nominated "Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood."
21. Joaquin's speech has big oat milk energy.
When accepting his Best Actor award for "Joker," Joaquin Phoenix went on a rant about eating cows and stealing their milk, as well as his past as a scoundrel and cancel culture. Wouldn't it be hypocritical to cancel dairy, then?
22. Renée Zellweger is not British.
Every time Zellweger wins an award, as she did tonight with Best Actress for "Judy," she busts out her Texan accent and we realize she is not, in fact, Bridget Jones. Her speech was OK, but there were lots of words and we were tired and not quite sure what she was talking about.
23. "Parasite" won its fourth and final award of the night!
We were thrilled to see "Parasite" win Best Picture, but even more chuffed to see the entire cast on stage, including our favorite: "Jessica, only child from Chicago, Illinois." But then the producers of the show dimmed the lights and started to cut off the cast until the audience flipped out and demanded they be heard.
24. But then the lights came back up!
And a small woman took the stage and kind of rambled a bit. Really, it's time for bed, everyone!